Circus of Emotion
by Shin-Shui
Summary: Roxas is desperately searching for answers he's not sure he'll ever find. It'll take all of his courage, but can he finally end the Circus of Emotion that Riku has been putting him through?


Roxas sighed walking through the school-grounds. He looked at his watch, the numbers having little more than a vague remembrance in his memory. His

concept of time had been lacking for a while. But as many told him, and as Namine specifically put it, "The show must go on!" followed by one of her

trademark giggles. Of course to this Roxas sighed and rolled his eyes – she was always a little TOO into drama – especially if it had soap-opera potential, but

he continued walking forward regardless. Even though he knew what was coming next - it was time for the act. He smiled inwardly, his stride hardly

breaking as he passed Sora by with little more than a slight head turn and a hitched breath. He could have sworn he'd heard Riku say 'fag' as he passed by,

but he ignored it and continued onward. Riku didn't understand. Namine didn't understand. His parents didn't understand. Even Sora didn't understand – but

then nobody could. He hid himself away so that no one would. He didn't want anyone to know how he felt. Maybe that was why it ended, he had to tell

himself. It was his own fault. Not Sora's, not their town, not anyone but himself. But he couldn't deny how good it felt. He thought about how amazing Sora

was. The love that they shared, or whatever it was. Was it love? Roxas wasn't really sure, it was over all too fast. But he knew now that Sora had been like a

heavenly present he'd sent back with a huge middle finger.

But then why, he thought, did it all happen? The harassment, the loneliness he felt - everything. If it was all so great then why didn't it stop? Even as he

laid on the ground in tears, blood and cuts all over his body, Sora wasn't there for him. Didn't he know? Couldn't he stop it? He saw the horrible look in their

eyes. They wanted him dead. But they wouldn't do it – no, oh no. They wanted to hear him cry out, beg them to make it stop. Then they'd leave him alone.

The memories poured into his mind and his body suddenly ached. He wanted Sora, maybe so much as needed him. But every time Roxas would see him, no

matter how much he had to, it hurt. Were the distant glances his own fault? Or were they because of everyone around them? Maybe they shouldn't have told

anyone after all. They all got so angry, so worried. And worst of all, they all got scared. A feeling of fear like the two of them had a disease that was going to

infect the very homes and lives of every single person on the earth. But even after all was said and done, it didn't stop, at least not for a long, long time. No,

Riku still got to play his little game. But it got worse. He'd still find Roxas and beat him. He'd made it into a sick game. Every single time Riku would attack

him he'd beg Roxas to cry out in pain. But Roxas never gave him. He still remembered crying out "Sora, please!", but never the pain Riku wanted from him.

He was powerless, and that was apparently something Riku loved about the matter.

Even today, though Roxas was doing significantly better, he could feel the pain of it all. And why did he endure it? For Sora? They were done and over.

But even if Riku was a monster, Sora still didn't know or understand. He hid the bruises and cuts, but that didn't mean he hid his feelings about Riku. Maybe

Sora didn't want to accept it about his friend, Roxas had to admit he wasn't sure, but that didn't mean Roxas's accusations didn't affect Sora. It was his pleas

for Sora to see the truth that drove them apart in the end. He wasn't even sure Riku truly saw him for being a person, probably because of a mix of his

hatred and prejudice, but that didn't mean he didn't take pleasure in calling Roxas the 'monster'.

Roxas went through his day normally and headed home. He thanked his parents for the offer of dinner, but rushed upstairs to his bedroom. He was

having too bad of a day to worry about eating. How long had it been? He hadn't really remembered much after their break-up, and, though he chalked it up

to repression, every now and then when he had, as Namine lovingly called them, 'his blond moments', he hid the vague fear of possible brain damage from

the numerous beatings he'd endured. He tried harder to think about things. There'd been Axel, he remembered that. He was a nice enough guy, and always

smiled in his quirky way, but Roxas couldn't hide the longing he felt for Sora. Upon breaking up with Axel, Roxas even cold-heartedly told the older man

'You're just in my way', and though he didn't mean it as it sounded, Roxas still felt a twang of pain every time he thought about the words.

He thought harder and remembered having the courage to ask Riku what his problem was. Asking why he felt the need to break the two of them apart,

and why he still wanted to be friends with Sora after it all. He thought about his other various friends that left him. They all thought his relationship was 'sick

and twisted' and wanted no part of it. Why did they leave? Didn't they understand? Hayner, Pence and Olette all told him he needed to get himself checked

out by a psychiatrist. And though the threat was notoriously overplayed, it still hurt him. Of course, the fact that they were some of the people helping out

Riku didn't help out his psyche either. 'So much for friends, right', he thought. But he didn't blame them either. They were led astray by Riku, he'd assumed,

so even though they continued on he wouldn't blame them. But one day he was so suddenly overwhelmed with fear as Riku appeared, he sprinted as fast as

he could to Sora's house. But even though he was only two streets away, Riku had apparently planned this all along and the three of them immediately

tackled him and began to beat him. He couldn't remember how long he'd been knocked unconscious for, but he knew when he woke up, looking at the sky,

Sora wasn't there for him. He was all alone, despite what Sora had promised him.

Everything seemed so different to him. He had no idea what to do with himself each passing day. It was his own private nightmare he had to live out

every moment. And he wasn't sure there was ever going to be an end to it, no matter how much he begged and pleaded. He was bound to be the freak that

everyone thought he was, no matter how much he tried to show them he was normal. He thought about just ending it all himself, but that would be too easy.

No, no, no, Roxas promised himself that no matter what happened, the following day would spell the end of everything that had been going on for far too

long now.

Despite his resolve, his dreams still tried to break him. He awoke with a cold sweat and a horrid memory of a dream gone more than just 'wrong'. He

prayed – something he didn't believe in and something he didn't usually ever do, but what more could he do than hope luck or god, or whatever higher power

was there, would help him. He refused to be bound to the fate everyone spelled out for him, and this was the attitude he brought with him to end it all.

Despite the numerous recollections he had throughout the morning as all of his repressed memories came flooding back to him, he never once cried or

decided to give up. Instead it made him stronger knowing he could survive through everything Riku and his friends put him through, perhaps even stronger

than when they first started harassing him. This would be his time to turn the tables. He looked at his watch: Three o'clock, Riku and Sora should be passing

by soon.

He lowered his arm and suddenly realized how in the moment he was again. He recognized time and anticipated it, he had a resolve and a hope - he had

everything he'd lost way back when. That was, except for Sora. But maybe this would change all that.

"Sora," he called the boy as the brunette and his friend approached, "I have to talk to you."

"What is it, Roxas?" Sora replied looking confused. The two hadn't spoken for some time now, and, though initially Sora was repulsed and disgusted by

his ex's accusations, that was all long said and done now. It was the shock of Roxas actually speaking to him that made him furrow his eyebrows and puff out

his cheeks slightly.

"I love you – at least I'm pretty sure I do, and I want you to love me," he said, narrowing his glance in Riku's direction and barely stopping himself from

spitting at the boy. He'd been miserable for long enough. He'd stayed quiet on everything for too long. Now it was Riku's chance to know what a nightmare

felt like. And not just any nightmare, instead it would be Roxas's own nightmare. "Everything got so convoluted back then that I just lost sight of it all. And

no matter what Riku may tell you, he's a tyrant and an awful person," Sora almost immediately began to walk away, but Roxas grabbed his arm, "Do I have

to show you the scars he's left on me? I will, if I have to. I left you because I thought that was what would make it stop, because I didn't think you'd be there

for me. I thought I was alone in it all, because I was trying to hide everything and show you it all at the same time. But I'm not going to pretend anymore. I

love you. I know I just said it, but in fact I'm sure I do. I don't know how else to describe this feeling. Everything about you is just so amazing." For the first

time in a long while he dared to shift his glance toward Riku and look him in the eyes. What he saw surprised him. Fear - fear of losing a best friend, of being

uncertain what to think, and of not understanding. And Roxas truly pitied him for it. If that was the reason he'd done all the terrible things he had, then he

deserved whatever the world wanted to give him for it. He wasn't prepared to accept a lifetime of punishment for something he didn't choose. He looked back

to Sora and begged, "Just give me one more chance, I promise you things will be different this time. So long as Riku can leave me alone, that is. I hate him,

but I'll take whatever it is I need to to be with you. Please, Sora."

"Roxas, how do you expect this all to work so suddenly?" Sora said quietly in response, "It's been so long, I don't know how I feel anymore."

"But you never said you didn't love me when we broke up. You just didn't understand, and you were hurt. And I hurt you, I know I did, and I'm sorry for

it. But please, don't tell me I'm as worthless as he thinks I am. It'll kill me."

"Roxas, you're not worthless. I just…I'm not sure."

"What do you need me to do to make you sure?"

"Kiss me, one more time."

"Is that really what you want?"

"Yeah, it is, Roxas. I remember how it used to feel, and I want to know if it'll still feel the same."

"Okay then, Sora. Close your eyes."

Sora closed his eyes and Roxas embraced him. He slowly cocked his head as their breath and eventually their lips combined together. Sora's eyes

fluttered open slightly with the sudden action, and during the brief moment he saw a look he'd never seen before on Riku's face. He gently pushed Roxas

away, taking a moment to himself.

"Roxas, I-"

* * *

AN: Well then, this is my first story in a while, and it's quite different. If it's not entirely coherent, sorry, I was trying a new writing style. But other than that, I hope everyone enjoyed. And how do you think it ended? Does Sora take him back, or does he continue believing in his childhood friend? Comment with Reviews/Ideas/etc.! :D Let me know! ~Shin-Shui~


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